Sorry, I'm so late.
I'm sorry. - Yeah, come on.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
Thanks.
- Happy birthday - Thanks.
Cool. Wait, I must show you all.
Look at what Tim gave me.
Is the receipt still in the bag?
- Thanks - This is from all of us.
Unlike men, we women can come more than once.
The other day in Tom's Panda, I nearly went crazy.
Sex in a Panda. Compared to that, the Kama Sutra's basic gymnastics.
-Hello, Chayenne. -Hey.
- Hello - I heard it was your birthday.
- Yeah - Happy Birthday
- Thanks - What was your name again?
- Inken - That's right. I can never remember.
Well, ready for the game?
-You're about to be relegated, aren't you? -Well, we still have two games left.
Sorry, but you won't be winning any points from us.
I want to see sweat! Laura, go lower, keep your neck straight.
- Karsten, have done the group hug yet? - Yes.
Yeah, right.
Let's go!
Doesn't matter, no problem, calm down!
- Tell me, have you lost weight? -Me? No.
I can see that.
Misery isn't the only thing that can suck!
I love you.
- Is everything okay? -Oh, I'm feeling kinda tired.
-Man, was that a kicking. - The rematch is next week.
-Are you coming to the party anyway? -Yes, of course.
No wonder Chayenne has so much energy. During sex, she comes a lot!
- I genuinely don't understand that. -I wonder if that's true.
-God. -Do you think we can believe her?
I can hardly believe her. I've heard that Chayenne's shagged the coach.
Great. Well, I'm going for a shower.
- Here. -Thanks.
Hold on. Before I forget, I've got a present from my mother.
-I hope it's not another video. -Oh, I think it is.
When I visited my mother on her deathbed...
and she told me she'd never had an orgasm...
I took her in my arms, and we both cried.
After my first orgasm, my life changed.
I decorated my house, and passed my exam.
So, for a moment, all was still, and I felt I could fly.
It's like pure energy pumping through your veins.
I fainted for a moment the very first time.
-It's like a miracle. - I was gone for a few seconds.
Yes, but... most of those women were over thirty.
-Breasts starting to sag. - I don't have sagging breasts.
-Frigid women go quickly. -Really?
The summer holidays are next week. Tim's away, and I will come no more.
I need a boyfriend first.
Arsehole!
Men!
Do you need to have sex a lot to have an orgasm?
-You need to wait for the right man! - What are you looking at?
Did I look at you?
And are you really so energetic afterwards?
Oh, I'm always exhausted, actually.
- Hello, Mum. -I need to talk to Inken for a minute.
What? It's for you.
Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear Inken Happy Birthday to you.
-Did Vicky show you the film? -Yes.
Thanks, it was really interesting.
Vicky said that your boyfriend wasn't able to satisfy you.
-But, I... -No, don't blame yourself! Blame him!
Don't simply fall into the old role, take responsibility.
Don't forget, you always remember the first man.
Obviously. So, I also...
Mum, we're really late. Nice of you to call. Bye.
Bye then.
You told your mother that Tim... that he...
-Is a loser? Tim can be really sweet.
-Have you ever had an orgasm? -No.
Of course not, because Tim's a loser.
Stop, there's the house!
I'm getting a bit nervous.
-Man, my knickers are stuck! -Need a hand, Inken?
-Maybe it's going to be fun. -Fun? It's going to be dead.
It's really cool that you could come.
Hey, there you are! Good to see you, Inken!
-You too. -Hello.
-We all chipped in for the food. -Oh, in the dish?
Cool, thanks.
Great. Don't lean on the walls, because of the wallpaper.
Always use the ashtrays. Don't put bottles on the tiles, they fall over...
and cause scratches. Just put your things here.
Do you want to dance later? The 'Jungs von den Chillmeistern' are coming.
- The what-meisters? The 'Chillmeisters', a top band.
I was at school with them, they're well cool.
I'll see you later. Ciao.
Hi!
The Chillmeister... -Well, this is a fine spread.
-Where's the booze? -Looks like it's over there.
Come on, girls. We're not here to have fun, after all.
Well then... Get pulling.
Excuse me. Can you get up? I... You can sit down now.
-Who are you? -We're with Inken. Didn't she say?
No.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Happy Birthday. -Thanks. It's Julia's birthday too.
-Really? Happy birthday. -Thanks.
Congratulations to you both. I'm Dirk.
-Hello, Mouse. - Hi.
What's with the geek?
I need to talk to you, babe.
Later.
-Do you want to leave already? - No, just talk.
Well, as long as it's not too serious.
What an arse!
-Who's that? -Dirk.
God, I hope he's not another sixteen year old.
But I thought you wanted to talk.
Later, sweet one.
Hey, I'll be just a minute.
-Can you put this underneath? -Okay.
That's great.
Carry on.
Hello.
Well, what does it taste like?
Man!
-Schädel, you arse! -Calm down, it's only water.
Piss off!
-I could suck on your nipples. -Schadel, bugger off!
The Chillmeisters are here! The Chillmeisters are here!
- The Chillmeisters are here! - Hit me, baby.
Who's that?
- Do you fancy him? - Shit, I don't know.
Chillmeister...
-Tim... -What?
I must tell you.
I've never had an orgasm.
What?
But that's terrible.
-Why have you never told me? -I'm telling you now.
Well then, I can hardly celebrate your birthday...
without making an effort.
That's only fair.
-I'm going for a pee, you coming? -Whatever.
Say, is Victoria at school with you?
-Yes, for about eight years -Eight years?
On the other hand, I could be mistaken.
They're playing my song!
Hey, what are you looking at?
Just my parent's holiday video.
I think I've found the right one.
But maybe I shouldn't commit myself so early in the evening.
- Come with me. - You mean that?
Well, yes.
Come on.
Hi.
-No. -I'm going to the toilet.
I've heard the you're the worst driver in the country.
Don't you fancy a quick fuck?
If you don't mind me puking.
Please put a cushion over my face if I come.
-I don't want to scream. - Obviously.
Mum?
Dad?
Sorry.
Come here! Come here!
Why did you put the cushion over my face?
Why? I mean, you came, didn't you?
-When? -Well, when you went "mmm".
-That wasn't an orgasm. -Didn't you feel anything at all?
-It was a nice feeling. -Well then, that's it.
-It's no more than that. -Really?
You're not my first girlfriend.
Have you seen Vicky?
Leni, shouldn't you be going home soon?
- It's pretty late. -Get lost, Schädel.
Sorry, it was only a question.
Tell you what.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I only want a bet with you.
I bet you can't put the condom over your head and inflate it till it bursts.
Are you nuts? Why should I do that?
Then again, you could chicken out, like you always do.
-I never chicken out. - You always do.
-I don't -I'll give you 20 marks if you do it.
-But only if you do it too. - Of course.
Come on, then.
The little one is so daring. She'll do anything for a bet.
Hey, baby, what was that look for?
I don't give a shit. That was a bet.
What else would you do for 20 marks? Give me a blow job?
Schädel, you really are a wanker! Hey, wait.
Don't listen to him, he's had too much to drink.
I don't give a shit! He should pay, or he can kiss my arse.
For all I care, it was all for nothing.
I can't find my fucking socks!
I only took them off for you.
I'm going to get a quick drink, okay?
So that was my birthday. Not the best.
Perhaps I expected too much of it.
It would be easier if I didn't expect so much of it.
But that doesn't work. Especially not at my age.
-Do you want to go in first? -I don't mind
So, two hours theory, two minutes practice?
Come.
Sorry.
Lena? Man, what was that?
Inken? Oh, there you are. Tell me, have you seen Lena?
-No. - Man, I need to go home.
How was it for you upstairs?
Yeah, great. Yeah, it was really good.
What about you? Did you hook up with anyone?
I guess you you could say that...
Here you are.
Still sulking?
Schädel made me look like an arse once.
At a party, in front of two hundred people.
Really embarrassing.
-Take it, I got it from Schädel. - That's not the point.
Isn't it funny how much things in life depend upon coincidence?
Like what?
Well, everything. If I'd been on the telly earlier...
...you'd have run like mad. - For sure.
Pity that no one saw Schädel on the telly.
You really fainted?
There you are. We're going home, you coming?
Come on.
-Can I call you? -Yes, of course.
-How can I reach you? -You'll soon find out.
Well...?
We eyed each other up.
What, he eyed you up? - Well, just looked.
Looked but nothing happened. Didn't he want to kiss you?
But, well, I mean ... you shouldn't kiss until the first date.
Lena, that is such bullshit! I mean, if he didn't...
Wait a minute.
If he didn't try to kiss you, he's not interested.
Perhaps not.
-Want a swig? -No, thanks.
Don't worry about me, I'm completely sober.
-Listen, Vicky. - Please, please, please.
Don't "Listen, Vicky" me, okay?
That's how my mother begins every sentence.
I'll make it.
-Dad? - Inken, what are you doing here?
- I live here. - Yes, of course.
Weren't you staying with Vicky tonight?
Well, fair enough, till tomorrow.
Till tomorrow.
-And how did you find the party? - Great. You?
Me too. Really good.
How long are your parents away for?
Two weeks or so.
-Where were you the whole time? - Having a conversation with Tim.
Right? About the content of his t-shirts, or what?
He's an unusual guy with unusual taste.
I find he's the usual tasteless type.
-But that's a matter of opinion. - What are you doing now?
I'm going for a kip.
-Did he keep his socks on? -No, he didn't!
Funny, I always keep my socks on during a conversation.
Hello! You must be Inka.
-Inken. -That's what I said. Kristin.
-Are you from the advertisement? -That's right.
Tell me, has your dad really been without a woman for four years?
-Yes. -That, I think, is a pity.
He sure knows what to do with a woman.
Can I borrow your towel, Inka?
Sure.
Everyone has sex.
Any stupid cow has an orgasm, but not me.
But then it's no use overreacting.
What have I got to complain about? After all, I'm alright.
There are kids dying in Africa.
Morning!
No, I'll serve you today.
-How's things with Tim? - Fine.
Does he treat you well?
Bye for now Good. Kristin is nice, isn't she?
Could you perhaps clear a shelf in the bathroom for her?
Yeah.
I'm going crazy! I know I've flunked.
I've already dreamed about tonight.
I never made classes, my mother will kick me out...
I'll end up on the perfume counter, and my husband will be on the dole.
Shit. Fucking Maths.
Perhaps I should sleep with him, to get used to it.
Nothing for you, Vicky.
-New bike? - I got it for my birthday.
Only the saddle is a bit high.
Next time, we'll take the bikes.
Hi, Mouse, did we have a date? Sperm contains Vitamin C
No, but we need to talk, Tim.
-You want to thank me. -Thank you?
Yes, certainly. For last night.
That's a good idea. Let me see, where do I begin?
For the hours of foreplay? For the slogans on your t-shirts?
Or for almost being smothered by a pillow?
No, Tim, I'm not going to thank you.
I wanted to tell you that I had an orgasm.
-With who? - With my bike saddle.
-Nah. You're not telling me... - Yes, Tim.
You know what, just find yourself a girl with a vitamin C deficiency.
Perhaps she'll believe your cock and bull stories.
-Tell me, have you got a problem? - No, not any more.
-Please yourself then, Inken! -Already have.
You can't imagine what's just happened to me, I had an orgasm!
On my new racing bike. I was riding home,....
then I went to Tim's and I dumped him.
I dumped him. You ought to have seen it...
-Really? -Hello, Mrs. Lindner.
Can I possibly speak to Lena?
Yes. Lena, it's your friend Inken.
She just had an orgasm on her new bike.
What?
That's unbelieveable.
-How long did it last? - To the bottom of the high street.
I told Tim I'd rather do it myself.
-He's such an idiot. -I'm glad you're free of him.
Yes. You know, some women marry such men...
... and then consider cystitis is a multiple orgasm.
I think...
I think it's coming!
I feel it. Slowly, but surely!
It's coming!
Vicky, are you alright?
I must say.
I still didn't have one.
I... I still haven't had an orgasm.
Never. Not at all.
But... but you have always...
Yes. That was a lie.
-And how do you feel? -Well, I don't know.
I mean, what woman has really had her first orgasm on a bike?
Cousin, they had their first with gymnastics.
Yes, but does that count? That's not really the same.
Wait a minute.
When I go home, I go into the garage or the den.
You know my wife constantly talks about sex?
I can't do that. It's so vulgar, I can't do that.
Excuse me, please.
Hello, Mum, it's me. I have a question.
On the bike saddle, it can only be clitoral, never vaginal.
Some women can only have the one, others only the other.
There are also those who can have both.
For example, when you go on top of a man, lean forward...
and if he lifts his back, and the vaginal muscles...
-I don't want to know it all now. -You understand?
Thanks. Bye!
Hey, don't be depressed.
That's great, anyway. You're the only one of us who's had...
... an expresso. Yes, but only a clitoral... expresso.
And then only off a bike saddle.
Don't make such a fuss. We must become relaxed.
-Relaxed? -Yes!
All three of you are on simultaneously?
When women spend a lot of time together, their cycles match up.
Really?
I read that geishas put condoms on with their mouths.
Hi, kids, are you alright?
Just don't swallow.
That's an oral master stroke.
Then again, next year the oral exam becomes a piece of cake.
-I can't go any further. - Me neither.
-Have you felt anything? -No.
I don't understand why I came within a minute the other time.
-Oh well, never mind. -At least we had a go.
"What turns you on?
A: A mortgage. B: A proposal.
C: A candle-light dinner. -D: S&M games."
-D. -What's that test for?
"How lustful are you?" But it's extremely clear.
"What do you prefer in bed?
A: Intimate shaving. B: Spanking.
C: Group sex. D: All the above?"
-D. -What, you'd do them?
No, but 'D' has the most points.
The idea is to find out how lustful you are, not to break the high score.
I'm extremely lustful. But how do blokes know that?
-Since when did you read such bullshit? - From my father's girlfriend.
The orgasm fairy.
I'm off to the loo.
10 rules to finding a man for life.
"If you are looking for a man to whom you are not just a number...
but which will lead to a genuine loving relationship...
then follow the following rules:
Never call him straight back.
Don't go to the cinema on the first date.
Be the first to finish the telephone call."
-Hello? -Hi, Nick, it's me, Lena.
-Hi, Lena. -Sorry I called right now.
No worries, there's no hurry.
Actually, I'm also really busy and must make it quick.
-Are you busy this evening? -You want to meet up?
-Yeah, how do you feel about the cinema? -Cinema?
-Hello? Lena? -Yeah, okay. The cinema is great.
-Shall we meet at 7 o'clock? -Seven. Yes, ok.
Okay. Must go - it's my shot. Until 7, yes?
Yes, I...
Shit!
-I thought the film was funnier. -It doesn't matter, it's okay.
Do you find it boring?
I don't like the cinema very much.
Know what?
I think I've become a lesbian.
Naked men look strange. All those dangly bits.
You know what? We should put a contact ad in.
-Contact ad? How? -By mail?
My mother has built a community on the Internet.
A community?
So, darling, now we're ready.
"What turns you on? S&M games"
Tell me, have you ever had sex?
-With somebody else? -Yeah.
No, you?
-What are they doing in there? -Probably in the chatroom again.
Vicky's addicted to the net.
If you could choose a woman, which one would you have?
Inken. Or Pamela Anderson.
-I'm going over to call for Inken. -What?
Yeah, I'm going to tell her that you'll let her deflower you ...
because Pamela is busy.
Hold on!
Maybe:
"Laughter, joy and honesty, and cuddles any time."
Then we'll only get wimps answering.
Hold on, more like...
"Let the sparks fly for a short while"
No?
I have it!
"pushy penises"?
-Can we meet up tomorrow? -Well, no, I ...
I think I'm busy.
That's a real shame.
Well then...
Around three?
-Sleep well - Till tomorrow.
Hey, they're coming.
Sometimes I could eat you up.
Well, come on. Hello! We've got to get the post.
Oh well.
Bye then.
Come on now!
In pink she's perfect.
I don't know what you do. Flin is so sweet.
Vicky, I know!
There he is!
-And? -Nothing for you today, Vicky.
Thanks.
-They're not coming, let's go. -Nonsense. Perhaps they're already here.
That guy over there has been looking at us the whole time.
-Come on. I bet that's him. -I don't know.
Let's go.
"I'm sick and tired of rascals with pushy penises"
I want pure lust and tenderness, through craftsmanship.
I don't want roses from macho posers. I want wet trousers."
I'm sorry?
"Wet trousers"? Excuse me.
-And? -Wasn't him.
Wasn't it?
Hi. I'm Thorsten. I think we have a date?
Hello.
-Are we rocking? My car's outside. -Yeah.
Yeah, good luck.
Hey, guys, I think we should write a track about tits.
-About tits? -Yeah, man, I think tits are awesome.
What's so good about tits? What rhymes with tits?
Okay, so you don't like tits. You prefer the childish ones.
Cool. Give me a beat.
The entrance to the rehearsal rooms is down in the cellar.
Guys, I cannot lie, for me finding a girl is easy.
The hottest chicks come here wanting traffic, it bores me.
Had enough of shakes. Lena, I will never make you cry.
Will I lead this untouched woman to the next stage?
I don't think so.
The woman is a traffic free zone.
Hey, Lena, you've waited so long, it's time for the guns.
Hey, Lena, don't be shy, show us your charms.
-Stylish, man. -"Traffic free zone"
-Back so soon? - I only had to drop something off quickly.
Are you training for the next game? You're going to get thrashed anyway.
Yes.
Bye!
Lesbian Chat
Hello, Lavazza, this is Joy.
My God!
Are you dumb?
No.
This your first time alone among women?
I wanted to try what one could give another.
I see, shall I show you? That's why you're here, right?
Yes.
Ok. Then lean back in your chair, and tell me what you're wearing.
It's really great that we could come here.
With me sharing a flat, it could be a bit embarrassing.
Yeah, no problem. My father is a lecturer at the Uni.
-Won't he come home early? - I don't think so.
Cool.
-See if there's anything in there you like. -Sure.
Nothing there?
Excuse me.
-Hi, Flin. -Hey, do you want to come to the lake with me?
No, I can't just now, sorry.
-Need me to help you? - No, it's alright.
-You okay? -Yeah.
-Really? - Is everything alright?
Well, wish I was having so much fun.
Want an iced tea?
Have fun?
What do you really look like, Joy?
I liked your ad.
It was so child like, but also so wicked.
I was stoned when I wrote that.
Really?
You toke?
Cool.
Come here! I want you.
I have waited so long for you.
I'll be right back.
Where's the bathroom?
Don't run away.
-Nick, for you. -I'm not here.
She isn't here!
Thorsten...
sorry, but I've reconsidered.
I'd rather not.
-What's that? - A cock ring. Surgical steel.
-Isn't it a bit tight? - I can't get it up without it.
-It's gone really blue. - What, blue?
Fuck, a blood clot.
Shit! It'll kill me!
My god, do something! Help me, please!
-Okay, I'll be right back. - Okay.
Calm down, calm down. One, two...
Here it is!
-This is for metal! - Are you crazy?
-What if you slip with that? -If I do nothing, it'll fall off.
Although my father does say I'm clumsy.
Well, great. Go easy, okay? Come on!
Hello, dad. We've been talking about you.
Stupid thing. But never mind.
I've castrated bulls before, but this is not quite the same.
Vet.
So, now lie there.
Relax, relax.
Everything okay?
God!
I'm coming!
-Gero! -Kristin!
It's not what you think.
-What's that? -I only wanted to make you happy.
Happy?
-Joy, what are you doing here? -What?
-I'm Lavazza. -La-what?
What we did together was incredible!
I don't know you, I've never seen you before, leave me alone!
-Don't you live here? - No, I don't.
Then you're married and your husband doesn't know about us, right?
-God, are they all mad? -But, Joy!
Hey! Taxi!
The physical side can wait!
This stupid orgasm shit! My entire life is in chaos!
I don't want it anymore.
It's probably a male invention to get us into bed.
No more guys. No more sex.
The idea makes me want to puke.
I will never have sex.
Who needs sex! Screw guys!
Perhaps we've all been unlucky.
When I was little, I really wanted a boat. Then I was happy.
I played with it twice, and it went in the cellar.
Perhaps I'm simply unlucky.
Presumably I'm also going to be unhappy with orgasms.
My mother has had many orgasms. But she isn't happy either.
I'm sure I've inherited her misfortune. I don't want to live any longer.
Me neither. I'll die a virgin.
Lena, what are you doing?
Well, before I die, I've got a score to settle with Schädel.
What's that?
Viagra!
Perhaps we should go to the party tonight.
I mean, it's what we planned to do, after all.
Beer, please.
Okay, my plan for tonight:
I'll stay out of the way and get pissed, unless I bump into Chayenne.
Schädel.
-Hi, Schädel. - Hi, Lena. You alright?
-Super, and you? -Cool, thanks.
I've got something for you.
White Dollars, cool.
-How much are they? - Nothing, they're a free sample.
But watch out. They're strong, so just take one.
That's alright.
-But only if you can take it. -Yeah, sure, obviously.
Cool, thanks, I needed that.
Don't mention it.
Great joke.
Girls, listen. Would you like to fuck with me?
Do you wanna perhaps... Nah, nah....
Come off it, what's up with the fucking thing?
Come on.
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing, growing carrots?
I've drunk 3 litres of beer, I'm busting for a piss, so fuck off!
-How are you going to manage with that? -Let me worry about that.
Come on.
Shit!
Shit! Nick's coming.
- Hey, have you seen Lena? -No, why?
-Wasn't she standing there just now? - Nah, you must have been mistaken.
Can you tell her that...
that... Oh, it doesn't matter.
I don't know if I'll remember that, but I'll tell her.
-Schädel, what's the problem? No, no. Everything's okay.
I think that is a problem.
-Hey, keep this between us, okay? -Yeah, sure.
Try doing a handstand.
A handstand?
Hey, listen, Schädel's in the bog with a stonking hard-on!
It's huge!
-You alright? -Come on, don't leave me in the lurch!
I heard that you had a problem.
-Well, I'm going home. -Good idea.
I'm coming too.
Lena? Have you been here the whole time?
-Yes. -Did your grandma tell you I'd called?
-Yes. -What now, Lena?
But we were about to leave.
I must go.
Did he at least apologise?
This song is for a girl who just wants to go.
I'm going home. I can't stand this trash.
Stay here a minute. I've got to go to the toilet.
-Then I'll go on my own.
Man...
-Hey, Flin. Hey.
-Can we talk for a while? -Sure.
Suddenly I want to express a feeling...
that I've often had before and that I'm feeling now and...
-And? - The feeling that I like you very much.
You're the only boy I want to be with, without an orgasm.
- Is that supposed to be a compliment? -Yes.
That's love, right?
I don't know.
To be honest, I thought love would be something else.
-What does that mean? -That there's more to it?
But I ... we understand each other so well.
Exactly.
I'm just a bit worried that we might jeopardise all of that.
Okay.
You're probably right, that was stupid of me.
I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
See you tomorrow, okay?
What are you doing here?
My scooter's broken down.
Do you know when the next bus is?
No idea.
I'm going to get a taxi.
Well, a cable burnt out, and so the modem broke.
Therefore nothing worked.
I got a new one. I can decode all the chat nicknames.
So I went into your chatroom.
What?!
Decoded my chat name, how?
Lavazza...
No...
Don't take this the wrong way, but this is all a bit too much for me.
Oh, well, come on... Joy.
Are you alright?
Don't I know you from somewhere?
Aren't you the one "with the damp trousers"?
I want to drop dead!
-Should I start again? -Yes, please.
-Can I help you? - Okay, thanks.
Good.
Here.
-Which way are you going? -This way.
Good. Are we pushing the bikes, or what?
This is the fourth bike this year.
I made it!
Vicky...
Hello. Are you Inken's father?
I'm Ingrid, Vicky's mother.
I've heard so much about you.
I knew it!
This can't be happening! Come on, kids!
Yes! That's it!
translated by marknotgeorge in 2004